The Space Between Us: The Simple Gesture That Brought New Life to My Marriage

John and I are looking at menus at a seafood restaurant on a recent trip we took to go swim with manatees. John picked the restaurant—a New-Orleans-themed place with things like gator and catfish on the menu. Most everything is fried, and veggies are hard to come by unless it’s fried okra or fried green tomatoes. This restaurant is NOT my cup of tea. I would have preferred something more bougie, but John is clearly very satisfied.

The previous day, I made all the decisions and chose everything we did. I had us go to a bunch of thrift stores filming a YouTube video for John on upcycling thrift store art. We went on a boat and swam with manatees, which was amazing, and then for dinner we had beer and pizza at a well-known microbrewery, then listened to live music.

At the end of the night, I told John, “I made all the decisions today and figured everything out. I want a day off tomorrow. You make all the decisions for us and choose what we do.”

He was very unlucky because it was raining, which spoiled his plan of renting electric bikes and going on all the trails by the springs. He chose to go to a wildlife park and look at the animals while doing some watercolor painting, and now he has chosen this fried fish place.

I conceal my dislike for the place because I don't want to spoil it for him. I try my best to find something on the menu that isn't fried and seems healthy. Our waitress is really sweet and has a giant round belly.

“When is your baby due?” I ask.

“In three weeks! I have so much to do, and I’m way behind.” she says, excited.

After we order, I’m making small talk with John when a thought jumps into my head: You should give the waitress a big tip, to help her with all the baby stuff she will have to buy.

I feel sort of weird, like maybe that will make her feel like a charity case. Maybe I shouldn't do it, or then again, maybe God popped that into my head. I don't say anything and just sit there listening to John. I tell God, “If you want me to give the waitress a big tip, tell me how much, and make it clear.”

Someone else brings our food to us. Another person brings ketchup and hot sauce. Our waitress is missing for a while. She isn't very good at her job, but she is plenty sweet and seems to have a good attitude. She comes back in time to ask us if we want dessert, but we just want the check.

After she drops off the check, John says, “I was thinking we should give her a big tip.”

“John! that’s amazing! I felt the same thing, but I didn't know how much and was asking God to tell me. Do you have an idea?” I ask.

“I think I got a few hundred in my wallet. How about that?” he says.

“Perfect!” It was so easy. I feel sure now that John and I are on the same page and that it was the right thing to do.

The Rhythms of Marriage

It seems so small and insignificant, but John and I have gone through cycles in our life when we always feel in sync. We agree easily and see each others perspective effortlessly. Other times, he seems miles away and I’m thinking, he’s on another planet. Do we even live the same life?

Sometimes he will tell me the dream he had the night before, and I will see that I had almost the exact same dream. Sometimes we are finishing each other’s sentences and will have the same food preference or craving. Other times, he will bring me a water with lemon in it, and I’m shocked that he doesn’t remember the 40,000 times I told him I don't like lemon in my water. Sometimes I feel like we are so different, and it's difficult to find common ground.

Marriage is not easy. Anyone who is married knows this. It's easy at first, but then you realize you have to work to keep your marriage close, and work even harder to grow in your marriage. If I become selfish and lazy, then we drift backwards and start bickering and fighting and getting irritated with each other.

Reading the Room

Each morning, I greet Solomon with a kiss on his nose. If he sticks around and breathes into my face, I breathe back into his nostrils. I honestly don't perceive anything from his breath at all. I’m a semi-ignorant human. All I get is either Solomon is up for the nostril breath, or he’s indifferent and just wants his bucket of grain. But he understands things. He is reading me. Checking in. Getting a feel.

I watch him with other horses. The minute he is close to another horse, he moves in and they breathe into each other’s nostrils. If it is a new horse, the nostril blowing can last a few minutes until they get bored and walk away, or it erupts into squealing and stomping. Solomon checks noses with every horse in the herd to see where they are at.

Horses have a heightened sense of smell and can understand, in only moments of smelling each other’s breath, who is who in the hierarchy, if a mare is in estrus, if they are sick, tired, anxious, or afraid. A horse checks in often with the ones they are interested in or care about to see how they are. Solomon is rarely, if ever, indifferent about who he is with or who could be on his back. By the time you get there, he has already throughly sized you up and down and has made lots of educated conclusions about you. He is emotionally engaged with those he is near.

I have realized that John and I stay connected and emotionally engaged with each other when we regularly check in and evaluate each other. We see how each other is feeling and what we are involved with, what is our emotional state, level of stress, and even how are we sleeping. Getting a read consistently is the beginning of deep connection. When we become indifferent, things in a marriage trend backwards, and distance creates more indifference.

Searching for Meaning

I recently finished a painting of two horses. I knew when I was painting it, I was the white horse and John was the red horse. I felt like the painting was about relationship and marriage. I kept digging deeper, trying to figure it out. It seemed a little vague to me, like, “Ok, cute couple. Sweet. Two horses nuzzling in a romantic setting.” It didn't feel too deep. But I really enjoyed painting it, and the piece went really quickly for me.

I brought it to the gallery and decided to call it “Eternal Breath.” This morning, three days later, I was walking Solomon to the arena to ride him, and we passed by Pixie the pony. Solomon had to stop and sniff Pixie’s little nose that peeked out of her stall. They breathed in each other’s nostrils for a minute while they each gathered information from one another. When I saw their noses touch, I knew what my painting was about. I knew why I thought I was the white horse and John was the red one.

Eternal Breath

It was a reminder to observe him. Take notice. Breathe in his essence and evaluate where he is at. Is he anxious? Is he well and at peace? Take time to connect and find out. The world around us moves really fast, and all that is urgent and seducing grabs us and pulls us to distract us from who we are and what we are destined to be.

We are each other’s anchor. Between us is an eternal breath that connects us and keeps us grounded and tethered to what is most important. This is how we dream the same dreams and encourage each other to become who we were created to be, shining our brightest light into the world around us.

When the world around you is racing, how do you get back to what’s most important?

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